Self-Injury

Mental health issues can be really difficult to understand, but one part that is the most confusing is self-harm.  People who do not have a mental health issue can’t imagine hurting themselves on purpose.  They think, won’t that hurt?!  Why would you do that?!  So, I thought I would take a minute and explain it a bit.

Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed by emotions.  Maybe something bad happened.  Maybe I’m worried about something that is going to (or at least I THINK is going to) happen.  Maybe I just get hit by emotions out of nowhere.

I have a LOT of coping skills from over the years.  Distraction – playing the piano, writing, drawing, working out, etc.  Square breathing.  Mindfulness.  And so much more.  Most of the time they work great, but sometimes they just don’t.

I also have a ton of people to talk to.  I have a counselor, an eating disorder specialist, a psychiatrist, my ketamine team, my pcp, my whole medical team, close friends, my mom, and Alice (my best friend for 18 years).  Sometimes just talking about what’s going on helps me to work it out and feel more regulated.  Sometimes it doesn’t.

Self-harm is what happens when coping skills don’t work.  You feel so overwhelmed with emotions and you just have to let them out.  For example, a lot of people do cutting, where you slice lines along your arms or other parts of your body, and as the blood leaks out you feel the emotions release.  It gives you peace.  And for me, the pain was always a bonus because it felt like a punishment for all I’d done wrong.  I know it doesn’t make sense.  It doesn’t need to make sense.  You just need to understand that this may be what someone you know is going through, and you need to be supportive.

I haven’t self-harmed in years, but I’m not “cured”.  It’s a lot like alcoholism, you’re never really cured, you just take it day by day making the best choices you can.  There are still days that I am incredibly tempted to hurt myself.  So, when it’s bad we put the knives away, we leave me alone less, etc.  My mom and I have been doing this for a long time, so we’ve gotten very good at it.

So that’s it.  It probably sounds crazy, but it’s just an unhealthy coping skill like drinking or doing drugs.  It can wind you up in the hospital, or you may be able to get control of it, but it’s always better just not to start.  Like I said, I understand if it doesn’t make sense.  It’s hard to have a mental illness, and very lonely sometimes.  But if you have questions, or need some support yourself, don’t hesitate to reach out.  I’m more than happy to help.