Secrets

It’s hard to be open and honest all the time.

A week ago I was in a very bad place.  My thoughts were very dark, and I was not safe.  I didn’t want to tell anyone, though, because I was so embarrassed.  It’s hard when your thoughts are so different than anyone else.  It’s hard when things have been getting better and suddenly they’re not.  It’s hard when people look at you as an inspiration and you’re barely holding on.

Finally, I told my PCP.  I figured she was safe; she wouldn’t throw me in a hospital, she would listen.  She did, but she told me you need to tell your team.

That was hard.  My psychiatrist, my counselor, my eating disorder specialist, my best friend, my ketamine doctor, and my mom.  You’d probably be surprised to hear this, but telling my mom is the hardest.  I just love her so much and am afraid I will let her down.  But I could never let her down.

They all said the same thing…. we can’t help you if you don’t tell us, and we just want to help you.  We’re on your team.  You don’t need to be embarrassed.  Ever.

And they did help me.  They greatly increased my ketamine dose, we are increasing one of my meds next week, I am starting a new OCD therapy soon, and we are increasing my immunoglobin infusion dose so hopefully I won’t feel sick all the time.

And you know what?  This week was MUCH better.  Not perfect.  Life will always be hard with bipolar, but it was much better.

I am really glad I got up the courage to tell my team where I was at, and I want to encourage you to do the same thing.  It is easy to stuff it.  It’s not surprising to feel embarrassed.  But there are so many wonderful people in the world and it’s important to trust at least one of them.  Build a team of people who support you…and then let them!  Now I just need to remember to do it myself 😊

Have a great week and make good choices!