Let me be brave in the attempt!
Updated: Jun 21
Let me win, But if I can't win, let me be brave in the attempt.
Have you ever heard that Mantra? It's the message of Special Olympics. CMU is the state headquarters of Special Olympics, and I was absolutely THRILLED to volunteer at several state games, both summer and winter, while I was there. I heard the Mantra over and over, and I loved it, but I took it on the surface. I didn't realize how it could change my life.
When I started this book, I was all in. I thought everyone would love it, and with it I would be able to change the world. The longer I work on it, the more I commit to it, the harder it becomes. The hardest part is that some of the most important people in my life don't believe in me. Don't see my unique talents and my drive to change the world.
At first I kept trying to get them on board. I shared with them amazing reviews I got, shared with them highlights of my best pieces (they don't read my blog). I did so much research and presented to them data and a plan for completion. Nothing. They seem angry about it and just shut down.
My best friend once told me...okay many times...that if I ever became President she would stop being my friend. Why? Because I want everyone to love me and everyone to agree with each other. I want everyone to come together in peace, change the world, and then hold hands and sing Sing from Sesame Street.
The thing is, that's not going to happen. You are never going to have everyone on your side, and you shouldn't. What makes this country so great is the ability to speak freely and fight for your own ideals. The thing is, life is like that too. The people I am trying to win over don't see me as a person fighting to change the world. They see me as a person with a serious mental illness, severely limited in what I can do, delusional about what I want to accomplish, and impulsive about investing money.
So I need to stop banging my head against the wall. I am surrounded by hundreds of people who love and support me for what I am doing, not for what I am doing despite a mental illness. Eventually I am going to have to do some crowd funding to cover the publishing costs, but I know that there are people behind me who will stand up and say, "I believe in you, I'll help how I can." My goal is not to become a rich, famous author, my goal is to spread the word, hopefully start getting some speaking gigs in the field, and eventually help inspire legislation which makes life better for people with serious mental illnesses.
If winning is defined by having every person in my life support my book and realize that even with a serious mental illness I am able to accomplish big things, then I may not win. BUT I will be absolutely brave in the attempt, I will not stop fighting, and I will make a difference in some way, even if it's not the way I planned...and isn't that enough? I am smart, and kind, and compassionate, and empathetic, and you know what? It IS enough, I just didn't see it until today.