Knowing Your Own Strength
Updated: Jun 21
You never know how strong you are until you don’t have a choice. I have a really large support system, with so many friends and family always praying for me and encouraging me. But my tightest support system is my mom, my psychiatrist, my counselor, and my best friend. They all help me get through life, they keep me safe when I can’t do that myself, they help me with life skills when I don’t have the energy to do them myself. They talk to me and give me support sooo many times a day. I have always been grateful for them, but I never realized just how important they were to my stability.
A few weeks ago, one member of my team began a family crisis. Her husband rapidly became very sick, and eventually left this earth to go on to Heaven. Just like that, she was no longer able to be on my team. I went from talking to her every night at 9:00 pm at the very least, to rarely having the chance to hear her voice. I went from relying on her for everything that is hard in my life to being the one to support her…listening, praying, sending her my love. It was a difficult change, but it was so natural. At no point was I angry at her, or at God, because she couldn’t support me. All I could think about is how can I help her, what can I do, how can I show her that she is loved and that, somehow, it is going to be okay.
But what is the most amazing about the situation, is how well I have been able to take care of myself. I had absolutely no idea how strong I am. It hasn’t been perfect. I cry really hard many, many times a day because I am grieving the life I used to have, and I am grieving for what my best friend is going through. But I have had very few suicidal thoughts in over a month, which is a huge accomplishment. And when my emotions get out of control, I am able to remind myself of the scripts my best friend used to tell me and remember what coping skills work best for me.
It's not that I don’t need her. I pray that eventually life will reach a new normal and we’ll be able to chat about our days again. That when I don’t know what to do, I can call or text her and she will walk me through the difficult parts of life. But now I know, if it doesn’t go back to normal, I can survive. I can support her and take care of myself at the same time. I am so much stronger than I ever realized.
Life is not easy right now, but I am not alone, and I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I have been finding in the last few months that having a purpose really helps me to keep fighting. This blog as well as making a special photo book to remind my family of our trip to Disney, are giving me a reason to wake up in the morning and get out of bed. Each day I am able to do a little bit more.
And if I was a gambling woman, I would bet that you are stronger than you know, too. That if you can find a purpose to keep fighting So if things get difficult and you lose your hope, just keep fighting, you will be amazed what you can do. Lean on your support system, use your coping skills, and keep going. It’s going to be okay.