Just Another Manic Monday
Updated: Jun 21
“I guess this is goodbye, old pal, You’ve been a perfect friend.”
After a long depression, a mania can feel really good…at least to the person who is experiencing it. This last week I had a hypo-mania (which means it’s not quite as out of control and doesn’t last as long as a full-blown mania). I. Felt. Great. I was at my mom’s house because we had no power, and I was so excited to be twinsies with my mom! I wanted to braid her hair, sing and dance with her, just spend every waking hour with her. It was amazing! I was up almost all night for a couple of days in a row, watching Monk and Harry Potter, living my best life. But, for reasons I couldn’t understand, it was not as much fun for my mom as it was for me.
A couple times she banished me to the guest room and told me to shut the door, because she just needed a break. And she didn’t even appreciate that I serenaded her with I Guess This Is Goodbye from Into the Woods when I had to leave! But not everything about mania is sunshine and roses. Before the mania kicked into full gear, I became very paranoid and slightly delusional. I was positive that my mom was trying to kill me. We got a U Pick 2 from Panera, and I was sure that she was going to poison the chicken in my salad, so I asked for it with the chicken off. Once we got home I kept staring at her so I wouldn’t miss it, and finally I just asked, “Please just be honest with me…are you trying to kill me?” She of course said no, but I just couldn’t believe her anyway. Plus mania often comes with unexplained, massive spending and poor choices in general…only at the time, I’m not aware of it.
After the mania was done, I dropped into a deep, deep depression. In the field they like to say, “What goes up, must come down”, and boy does it. Plus, I was totally hurt that no one else wanted me to be manic. I felt like, this is the only time I’ve felt good in months, and they just don’t want me to feel good! But that’s not it. When I am that high of energy, it EXHAUSTS everyone around me. I talk fast and change topics quickly in ways that don’t make sense to anyone else. I am loud and can’t sit still. It’s not that they don’t want me to feel good, it’s just not nearly as much fun for everyone else as it is for me.
The hardest part about all of it is that we know that it is going to keep happening. We are having to decrease my lithium because it is hurting my kidneys, and with every decrease comes the potential for a massive swing. Unfortunately, it’s not a choice…I need my kidneys. Also, because I have bipolar 1, no matter what we do, it’s just going to happen sometimes. Realizing all this, plus the deep depression, brought back suicidal feelings that I haven’t had in a long while. It was a rough couple of nights.
But then, between my best friend and my doctor, I remembered my purpose. I realized that I don’t have to be able to get out of my bed to move forward, I can even write on my phone. I also realized that there are so many people that love me and want me to feel good. And I’m sure one day I will…at least for a little bit…and we will all celebrate.