A few days ago, I was with some little kids who were mourning because they were experiencing a loss. One was devastated because she had had a student teacher, and that teacher had completed her time in the room. The other was in a play and was devastated because he loved doing the play so much and it was going to be over. Many people don’t understand this. They just move on and it’s no big deal. But I get it. I get so attached to people and experiences that I mourn in the same way.
For example, I have an amazing eating disorder counselor. She makes me feel so good and encouraged. I look forward to our meeting every week. So, there are days that I think, maybe I shouldn’t get better. If I get better, I won’t get to see her anymore. It’s not good, but I will miss her so much.
I feel the same way about electro convulsive therapy. It’s certainly not fun, but I am not looking forward to the day that I am done because I will miss the staff so much. They have been so kind to me, and I have gotten so used to seeing them each week.
Unfortunately, this intense connection makes life hard all the time. I’m living with my mom right now, and I struggle very much on the days that she goes to work. I don’t like to be at home alone. I miss her. I worry that something will happen, and she won’t come back.
I imagine it started when my dad died. One day he was there and then the next day he was gone. It made it very possible in my mind that I would lose everyone I love without warning.
So, what do I do? Mostly, deep breathing. Breathing in the flowers and blowing out the candles. It helps a lot.
And I make a plan for the day. Goals to try to achieve so that I don’t just spend the whole day in bed. Somedays it goes better than others, but I keep trying.
I wish it wasn’t so hard for me, but at the same time I’m glad I love so hard. It made me a better MDA volunteer, special education teacher and BCBA. And I think sometimes the love I can show to others can be helpful. Maybe it is just what they needed.
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